Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in oneshortdrop's LiveJournal:

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Monday, September 27th, 2004
1:03 am	o so misserable I think christine wants to end the relationship. It seems like shes trying to throw it on my shoulders to do it. I dont know why. It all seems so sudden to me. Then again it always does. I twidle this knife between my fingers wondering what would hurt more, this horrible feeling about loseing one of the few people i can honestly say i love or a swift kick to the throat. I think id prefer the kick, atleast a kick wouldnt leave such a horrible taste in my mouth. A taste of blood, death, nuthingness. Not to mention the million other tastes, pain, withdrawl, sickness, sadness, deprivation, denial, and the list goes on forever for as many adjectives there are to describe heartbreak there are to apply to my situation. Her taste, her smell, her eyes, her hair. I saw her but a few short hours ago and the thought of her never left my mind, yet it all seems so distant... just like her. She says its her not good enough for me, i say excuse. If its not me you want then say it. Dont make me feel like shit cause now all i can think is that im acting ungrateful for all youve done for me. I could never give you those things, its just not the person i am. But my love has been and will always be there. I've been through hard break ups before, and i always recover but this time... i wonder how long i can stand. i wonder if i can just walk away. True ive told girls ive loved them in the past, but never like this. Ive been with christine for 5 months, and already i want to marry her. Ya i know a guy talking about marrage... what a pussy huh... i guess im a pussy since ive found the one girl for me. but you know what, i guess it just wont happen. Cause for something like that to happen both people need to be in love, and honstly i bet one of us isnt.................... Current Mood: misserable (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 6th, 2004
8:57 pm	IM homesick yet again. Christine i miss you horribly Current Mood: depressed (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 5th, 2004
11:39 pm	wicked fucking miserable Would you know my name? if I saw you in Heaven Would it be the same if I saw you in Heaven I must be strong and carry on Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven Would you hold my hand,if I saw you in heaven \Would you help me stand, if I saw you in heaven I'll find my way through night and day Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven. Time can bring you downTime can bend your knees Time can break your heart Have you beggin please beggin please Beyond the door, there's peace for sure and I know there'll be no more tears in heaven. Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven Current Mood: miserable Current Music: Eric Clapton - tears in heaven (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
1:44 am	i hate subjects Blah havent posted in a long time. Since that Mike incident i havent wanted to go anywhere near LJ, but why not give it another shot. It never did anything to me... or did it. Lot of shit has happened recently, not gonna mention most of it just cause why say shit in a lj. it will only escalate any situation to the fullest because no one truely understands what you mean when they have to read it. they can only get an idea, which tends to be the wrong one. IM stuck with a hard decision now. I have the choice to ether, stick my neck out to help a loved one, even though i doubt my plans will work, if they do, i will end up dead inside, or i can let a loved one be misserable and save myself. im never one to try and help myself but in this case i cant fully jump into the fire. i need to go the middle road, but that will be ever so hard. blah decisions decisions. The world is always changeing, and remember we cant all be the popular one. someone always has to be alone. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
11:07 pm	Sorry Mike but you have no reason to keep runnin your mouth saying you showed up at my school and i didnt cause i was there, and we got tons of witnesses. Maby you didnt come to the right school. Lynn Classical. we got sooooo many witnesses saying we were there from 230-30 on both days. Im sick of waitin for your sorry ass to show up. O and sorry but neather Christine or I will be there on Friday. Thats the night of my prom. Sooo i guess your gonna have to come up with another place, another time, another day, to try and win back your balls and actualy stand up to me. O and FYI youd never be able to touch someone as pure as Christine. Your stuck with the dirty scanks. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
12:21 am	to "Mike" Though you said meet at my school 430 at the bike racks, i say fuck that. If you wana fight me, and dont forget you pussied out of the fight today, you will go to my school at 230. You want bike racks, fine, I will be at the bike racks. So lets recap for you. Tomorrow (Tuesday) we (you and me) meet at my school (lynn) at the bike racks (teachers parking lot) at 230 pm (eastern standard time) and we see if you pussy out of this one (see if you back down you fuckin pussy) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
1:00 am	checking someonething out, hit me with a response. anything i dont care what. how bout this.... Hi!!! (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 10th, 2004
7:34 pm	As i sit here wallowing in my own self pitty i realize, LiveJournal (to me at least) is a place i come to express my sadness and never my happiness. When ever im in a good mood, i never want to take the time to sit at my computer and type out how my day went. I just want to go out and make it better. Though, when im sad, all i do is sit here. What better a way to pass the sad and lonely time than telling anyone who cares to read just how shitty i feel.well thats my 2 cents, take it as you will. As for today, went ok for most of the day. Went to the mall, bought a new game. Still waitin to try it out. Picked up Christine and Amber at school. I always love surpriseing christine as im waitin for her outside of school. The smile on her face makes me feel like nuthing bad could ever happen, but yet it does, and when the sorrow comes, if you were happy, it hits you so much harder. O so much harder. Christine, i think i know whats wrong. Im not so blind that i cant at least take a good guess at why my love is burning. I wish i could help you. But i know youd never tell what ales you so much. Christine if you happen to stumble accross my live journal, call me. I know i wont be online tonight, for the endless void of instant messanger does not but pain my acheing soul. I only wish i could make you smile yet again. Untill the time we talk again, i hope all your problems they do end. And again i can take you in my eyes, and do not but smile as you say goodbye... Current Mood: sad (135 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 26th, 2004
10:23 pm	realy emo again Bad fucking day. Spent all day in school thinking Christine was mad at me, and i dont even know why i thought that. Went and saw her. Went good. Amber came back, that lightened up everyones mood. She a cool chica. Came home, mom saw my report card and is pissed! Sux when your family is mad at you. They've always been there for me, and supported me, so when i let them down, it seems like ive turned my back on everything and i deserve nuthing less than a bullet to the skull. Then again, that would just be a quick escape, and we all know how i dont like to run from problems. Sux too, all i want in the world is a loveing hug from my girlfriend, but her parents are wierd and wont let her outside for 30 seconds just to give a sad kid a hug... Guess im just stuck here, drowning myself within myself... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: perfect- Simple Plan (4 Comments |Comment on this)
7:16 am	*sigh of releaf* woek up and im not in that bad of a mood today. Im actualy kinda happy, though i dont know why. Today is the 1st day of school after vacation and im deffinitly not looking forward to going back. Im wicked neverous about today though. I realy dont know what to expect. Since im more level headed today, im gonna try and get some shit straight between a few people. Then again i could fuck up, and have it all blow up in my face. I just hope no one goes out of thier way to piss me off, like some people seem to do. Even though im going into the day possitive, im still a walking time bomb. When I go off, EVERYONE will know it. Current Mood: nervous (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 25th, 2004
5:04 pm	BAD DAY!!! BAD FUCKIN DAY!!! Current Mood: angry (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 23rd, 2004
8:48 am	i wish christine would hang out with me *cough cough* Current Mood: insomnia (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 19th, 2004
10:40 pm	great day Hung out with Asia Christine and Sam. Yes i know seems like everytime i chill with rich and christine its a great night, but it realy is. We went to NH to pick up sam, then headed out to the beach. Pizza, raceing games, pictures, sand in shoes, sooooo much fun. I hope the rest of the week goes as good as this. I gotta chill with John some more though. I feel like a dick cause i dont see him as much as i norm do. Prob gonna call him tomorrow. See whats up. Im just in sooo much bliss right now. Words cant describe how good i feel. Its like im glowing. Radiateing with the pure enjoyment of knowing i have someone who cares about me in all the right ways. Its like nuthing could ever hurt me again. Lets just hope it stays like this. I just wish everyone could be as happy as i am now. Current Mood: happy (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 18th, 2004
4:45 pm	happy The last few days have been amazeing. I dont remember the last time i was so happy, if such a time even exists. Something i should say inorder to keep all my buddies in the loop. Christine and I are now official. I have waited weeks for this, and it finaly happened. Yesterday was great. Paintball vs the airforce from around 10am - 4pm. Got something like 7-8 kills and only 2 deaths, 1 was by friendly fire. If i ever see that kid again im gonna rip his teeth out through his anus :) . Other than that the whole paintball thing was so much fun. After that asia and i went to my place, showered, and met up with christine and sam. I dont know how or why, but no matter what emo like mood im in, wether angry or sad, christine always makes me smile. We ended up going to the beach. A lil cold, but im a real man and can deal with it. Honestly it was one of, if not the, best day ever. Today... prob boring.... gonna wash my car... yeah... Current Mood: bored (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
9:19 pm	not too bad Today started off so horribly. I even had to go against some of my own morals just because i knew i couldnt deal with shit today. Rich and i went on a hunt today, for the infamous airplanes. We finaly found them in revere. The we grabbed john and garrett. I decided to be sneaky and go see christine even though i knew she couldnt chill today. We waited till we say her go into her house, then just as the door shut, we called. As she was talkin on the phone to rich we approached the door. She seemed surprised, then i whipped out the airplanes. She realy looked happy. I could be wrong, but a smile like that seemed pretty damn happy to me. Made me feel good about myself and about the future. Thats realy whats been buggin me so much. I look at my life and my self and i know what i want to have in the future, it just doesnt seem to be falling into place. Im working my ass off at it too. Just doesnt seem to want to work out yet, but i wont stop trying. I will push on forever!!! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
7:16 am	emo Went to bed emo, woke up emo. Sleep bever helps. Im not as bad as i was last night, but thats mostly because i still have hope. Hope that today has something to hold me over untill tomorrow, or that i can atleast continue down the path of serenity that i try to cut through the problems around me. I do have one thing to look forward to today, but i have a feeling it wont make me so happy. We'll see. As of right now, im just trying to keep my eyes open enough to be able to keep my best judgement on the issues at hand. "Untill the day i can hold you in my arms and truely tell you the way i feel, i will walk this path alone... Searching for you..." Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Guns N Roses - November rain (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 12th, 2004
9:53 pm	empty I just feel so cold and alone today. I dont know why. It like im searching for something that in the back of my mind i dont think i will ever find, and when i do find it, it will just push me away. IDK. prob just emo me at it again. I just want something so pure that it can cleanse my soul just by being with it. I know i found it. I know it can cure me, yet why dont i feel cured? Why do i feel so dead when im not near it? Are my hands realy that stained with my own blood that i cant retane the salvation that floats in the air around me? Just another lonely night with no reason to keep pushing on.... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 11th, 2004
11:37 pm	Ever get that feeling like your fallin for someone way too fast, and even though you are becomeing overwhelmed in emotion, you dont want to stop it because it just feels so good? Im at the point, where i dont even care if i drownd in my emotions, i dont want to swim, cause every breathe of water, brings a sigh of releaf. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
10:28 pm	Wierd night. Get a call a little after 830 to go out. I dont remember the last time i drove so fast. I just didnt want to be in the house anymore. kinda an unproductive night. went to friendlys. thats about it... Christine seemed kinda distant tonight. Prob nuthin wrong though. I tend to over think things, so this time i will just not think at all. Almost time for bed. Ive been so over tired lately. o-well, doesnt matter. I can deal with being tired. Dealt with much worse in the past. I spit on you sand man and your trying to make me sleep, but i have a power you dont!!!! I call it, staying up all night playing video games!!! HAHAHAHAHA you cant win against that now can you!!! I didnt think so. ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz ok you win this time but i will be back Mwahahahahahaha (Comment on this)
12:43 pm	amazeing day Yesterday was great!! 1st off i got to sleep in late which always makes the day go good. Then John and Rich came over and we raked the back yard. Rich decided to cook some egg Mcmuffins when we finished rakeing. Later in the day we went to the beach. Tons of us were there. If i miss someone i sorry. It was me, rich, john, cory, christine, amber, charlene, pamamela, bob, brian, melissa, mike and kate. We played some hackey sack, goofed of, just had a good time. Then we went back to Rich's house. Had some fun in the basement *wink wink*, nuthing bad though. I couldnt stop dancein cause of all the raver lights. Round 11 everyone went home. I feel so happy though. Im even still happy about yesterday. It never carries over into the next day. I was lucky enough to hold Christine in my arms for most of the night. It just feels so good to hold her. Makes me feel like i have meaning in my life. Just to see her smile makes all the problems go away. She just makes me feel alive. (2 Comments |Comment on this)